Nospoonwriter's blog

How do you know?

How do you really know when you're ready to have sex? I think this is where the whole "Wait until you're married" argument comes in. Then you don't have to worry about it. But what if you can't get married? Or what if you're geographically castrated and you will never meet the right guy and then you get hit by a bus? Dying a virgin is not ideal, but it could easily happen. Just look at Mother Theresa. Of course, she did have all of her time devoted to a higher calling, And as for me, ideally, I would wait until I was in a relationship and ready to take the next step. But this isn't an ideal world and sometimes you just have to jump on it when the opportunity arises, no pun intended. 

 I think the philosophy of "You'll know when the time is right" is correct. 

Ugh, I think that I'm just putting too much stress on myself. I can't break away from my romantic tendencies. I can't stop myself from wanting a relationship, from wanting something real. I can't stop myself from wanting to be with someone in a real way and not just be a warm body for twenty-five minutes to an hour. 

But for some reason, I throw romance out of the window, and agree to do various things out of desire, knowing I will feel bad later, always hoping that it will become something and hoping that it meant anything to that person. 

Maybe I'm just fooling myself, and maybe I'm just not ready. These are the big steps in life that you fear messing up. 

Sex and the (Not) City

It seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Or that is the platitude that we all seem to repeat to ourselves. At any rate, I finally had sex last night. Not the whole nine-yards, still a half virgin, but I happily got to give an awesome blow-job. For whatever reason, I swore myself to secrecy, but you know me, nothing stays secret for long. Anyway, I was so nervous that I threw up twice, in typical me-fashion we talked for about 20 minutes before we got down to business. And now he's disappeared. Life is funny that way. I find my self obsessing over a non-connection that I wanted to be a connection. I wasn't stupid, I didn't tell myself that it would just happen again and again, and I even told myself that I probably wouldn't see him again, but a little part of me was hoping that maybe I would. Maybe I would see him again and maybe it would become a semi-regular thing. Silly little me, still hopeful for something substantial after all of this time. Still trying to make a connection where there is none. But at least I had some fun and now I can stop obsessing about my celibacy-time-line. I hope. 

It feels like it is still looming, like I just got lucky, finally found a way out of the hole that I had made for myself. I was putting all of this stress and pressure on myself because I thought that it meant something. I gave large overwhelming meaning to sex, where there clearly was none. I'm glad that I got it out of my system. I'm glad that I don't look at every man like a piece of meat now, but how long is that going to last? Another six months? Then what, another bout of animalistic craving? Another bout of desperation? Depression? Etc? 

Is sex controlling me? 

Even in not having it, or putting it off, or wanting it so badly, is it controlling me? Have I created a mountain out of a mole-hill. A monster out of the mountain? 

What am I so afraid of anyway? 

These are the questions, and I don't have the answers. I think that I just have to live in the moment, be thankful for yesterday and move on with my life. 

Also, I have got to stop telling everyone about my sex life. I mean, its a little out of hand. People (obviously) don't want to know, but hey, I like to spread good news when I hear it. I'm generous like that. 

Sometimes in this life, you experience things that are just for you and you alone. And maybe this should be one of them. 

Almost Doesn't Count

So, I almost got a tattoo yesterday, but fear got in the way. As per usual my life is nothing but an ever pondering game of "what next" and, you know, in this instance, it was a good idea to take pause about what I actually want and why I'm doing things. Or maybe I was just over-thinking. At one time in my life I was impulsive and immature. And now I'm overly cautious and immature. I feel like a scared child, not being able to make up my mind with my own decisions because of fear, of pain, of hurt, of rejection, of consequences.

I never live in the moment, I'm either in the past or in the future, and if I am "in the moment" it usually consists of taking time to watch something and living my life through a screen. There is no actuality to my reality, I'm just . . . around. Barely alive, full of fear, shaking and fretting over what is going to come next. Its a horrible way to be and I don't know how I can change it. 

It feels like I have the answers inside of me but I am too insecure to realize them. I have everyone telling me what I should already know, everyone else is believing in me but I don't believe in myself. And I don't know what it would take to change that. I don't know what I'm living for. I guess I am just kind of wandering around without purpose. As always. 

On the bright side, my writing has taken a turn for the better, but some people find some of the notions that I'm expressing to be recycled. But that's the thing, there's nothing new. Poetry is supposed to take old ideas and express them in new ways, even if they are just new to you. 

There is actually a quote that I wrote down before I left school from Dr. Selman, but now I don't even recall it. It has something to do with Poetry being nothing more than felt emotion expressed in different ways. Blah, it will come to me later, or I will just get it later. 

I guess the waiting game will have to suffice until I die . . . or wake up, whatever comes first. 

You Move Me

"You Move Me" Gina Loring (Def Poetry)

I want to be moved too. 

Being Jonathan

So, tell me what you think of me re-invigorating the concept of a fashion disaster blog? 

I think that maybe it would give me a little me-time that is somewhat productive and creative, and it would also be something other than GSA/School to focus on. It seems that those are the only two things that I'm doing. And, as we all know, I can barely focus on school. It just seems like I'm missing out on life. And maybe that's not right, but it still seems like that's what is happening. I don't know, maybe I focus too much on one thing. 

And I guess I am just letting things rush around me and getting behind rather than facing the fact that I have to actually deal with it. 

In other relatively unimportant news, I am talking to a new guy. He seems nice, moderately interesting and I like to talk to him. He lives 6 hours away (3 hours away from Malvern) and we are just kind of taking things slow. It is refreshing for me. This is new and different. It isn't "sex, sex, i love you, goodbye." This is slow like honey, let me get to know you, maybe we can cuddle. 

Its interesting, and I'm happy about it, I only wish that we were closer so that this could be more "real".

I don't know, I'm just trying to spring my crazy on him slowly, not all at once. (I got that from Scrubs, in case you were wondering.) 

I think that most of my problems when it comes to school is the fact that I'm kind of listless right now. I just need some direction. I always say that moving is the answer, but I don't think so. I think that maybe if I just had some firm after-graduation plans that I would be happier, that I would have something to work toward. That it wouldn't just be me working towards another worthless piece of paper. 

Who knows, I just have to work at it. Or else I'm just going to end up with no degree and  dejected. I know myself, it would ruin me or inspire me. If it inspired me then I would claw my way back up. If it ruined me then I would leave school and probably crash with Rodney or something, sobbing. Okay, maybe not sobbing, but I know I couldn't return home. We'll just see how things work out, and I'll keep in mind that I only have a limited time to make things perfect. 

I really hope everything works out. 

Man Child

Me Man Child

Just an update.

I forget if I've told you, but I'm now the president of the Gay-Straight Alliance. And I'm starting to feel things slip. And that's not really going to work for me. I don't know how to feel about things, but I'm jsut trying to keep everything together. Its not easy being queen, and I didn't think it would be, but I also didn't think that there would be all of this petty stuff in the way. In other news my e-crush and I have begun to text each other. He lives nearly two thousand miles away so I'm not even worried about it. I'm just trying not to fall for him, not to fantasize, not to get lost so that I'm making these crazy plans just to meet someone who I *think* might be "the one" only to have it blow up in my face a week later. 

I know that I told my friends that I was really itching for a bad romance, just something to tide me over until the right one comes along, but you know, in reality--I'm not. I'm not eager to be hurt just so I can have that momentary bliss of "He likes me, I like him. This is going to work." and it crashes down around me within a month. I don't want that, and I don't think I can handle long-distance. I gave up my previous internet life so that I can begin fresh, and this is where fresh has gotten me. 15 months celibate, going through a cycle of "Ok" with it and "desperate" and now I have people thinking that I'm a psychotic because I bounce around pushing the GSA. I don't know, it just feels like my whole life is

contingent 

contingent on "After this, everything will be ok. Everything will be better." After 6th grade, Jr. High will be better. After Jr. High, Highschool will be better, after Highschool, College will be better. And now its Grad School, and soon after that it will be my "life" my occupation. And then what? Death? Heaven will be better? 

Maybe its just the human condition, but I don't think I can stand this whole "It will get better" idea. I want things to be better now, I'm tired of waiting. 

My grades are decent, but I can tell that things are just kind of gliding along, like always. And other than that, what do I have? I go to school, and I go to one or two club meetings a week. And maybe that is too much for me. Maybe I need an actual break. Not just something that last a week and a half. But even if I did, what would I have to look forward to? That is always what I come back to. My self defeating attitude rings true on this point. What do I even have to do? Nothing else. I just want to run off and begin life elsewhere. If I had the means to do it, I would leave tomorrow. But that's not going to happen, because this is me, and this is my life. A series of things never being what they appear to be, and always waiting for things to get better. 

The Bucket List

1.        Have a sordid tryst

2.        Go to a faerie retreat

3.        Buy a dog; Name it Whitman

4.        Write a book and have it published

5.        Go skinny-dipping

6.        Ride a horse

7.        Sing in public

8.        Go on a pub-crawl

9.        Have a “Ke$ha” weekend

10.    Go to a rave

11.    Vacation in Paris

12.    Ride a vespa

13.    Kiss someone in the rain

14.    Spend a day in bed with someone I love

15.    Kiss someone goodbye

16.    Have 5 close friends that I can trust my life with

17.    Cut the word “like” from my vocabulary

18.    Move away 3 times

19.    Shoot for the moon, always

20.    Make a CD

21.    Have a baby

22.    Become a pescatarian

23.    Read “Leaves of Grass”

24.    Shamelessly flirty with a stranger

25.    Make a custom cologne

26.    Buy flowers for myself

27.    Attend a Gay Rights Rally

28.    Volunteer for something I believe in

29.    Make a difference in someone’s life

30.    Express every good emotion without a filter

31.    Go on a road trip

32.    Dance on a roof-top

33.    Have a genuine emotion

34.    Choose a religion

35.    Earn and save $500

36.    Get a unique tattoo

37.    Get a piercing

38.    Design/Make a hat

39.    See New Years Day in concert

40.    See 5 different concerts before I’m 26

41.    Make a short film

42.    Cook a meal and eat it under the stars

43.    Discover a secret talent

44.    Tell the truth, even if its unnerving

45.    Spend 48 hours unplugged form technology

46.    Make a custom piece of jewelry

47.    Successfully complete a 48 hour fast

48.    Learn to belly-dance

49.    Become learned in the practice of yoga

50.    Go to massage school

51.    See the world: Paris, Tokyo, New York, Beijing

52.    Become a photographer

53.    Have professional photos taken

54.    Rally against a tyrant

55.    Dress like a matador

56.    Celebrate Halloween; just once.

57.    Throw a costume party

58.    Become independent

59.    Plan a wedding

60.    Raise money for charity

61.    Mend every broken fence

62.    Read a poem every day for 365 days

63.    Watch 25-30 classic movies (between 1920-1965) before I’m 23

64.    Read a biography of someone great

65.    Write a song

Diary of a Megalomaniac

I don't really know what I am trying to say any more. But here is my latest problem: I have a new friend who thinks that I am self-centered, needy and kind of a douche-bag. She has said that I think that I am above the rules and that I think that I am better than everyone else. I don't think these statements would be so bad if she didn't have examples of when I've done these things, but I keep telling her that I'm not doing these things on purpose, I'm not making conscious decisions about these things. I don't wake up, feet hitting the floor, saying "I'm above class today" I don't think anyone really does that. And it just worries me that I'm not coming off as a good person. Or even worse, that I"m not a good person. I don't know which bothers me more, not being a good person or not appearing to be a good person. I don't know which is more important and I don't know which I am. And that is the frightening thing. 

At the end of the day I am just a kid who had an awkward child hood but who (seems) to be milking it for all its worth. And yet there is so much more to me. In my opinion, I'm the kind of person that doesn't have friends. Ever. I am usually the person that tries to be nice to everyone, even to my detriment, so that I can eventually have friends, but it just never happens for me. I will never normalize or adapt, I will never become the kind of person that I am supposed to be. I will always co-exist with the "normal" world but I will never be a part of it. And maybe that's where some of my ideas about being "different" or "special" come from, the fact that I am so untouched by the world, or the fact that I am so out of touch with everyone else just makes me seem like a totally different creature. 

I don't know, all I know is that a friend really shouldn't lay it on to you like that, I mean, at the end of the day, would you want to be friends with a person like that. And thats when you start noticing the distancing, that's when you start on the maddening journey of obsession, always hunting for the point in which you messed things up, and you did the wrong thing, and you ruined a friendship. It all comes crashing down on you, because you don't know what you did to deserve all of this "punishment" and you are just looking for ways to fix things. 

So that's all I'm doing right now, looking for ways to make everything okay again. 

Just An Update

This is just an update to say that yes, I am still alive. 

I've been writing some poetry lately that I've been slaving away at. 

Its available at http://angelic-tryst.deviantart.com 

There's some good stuff there. 

In other news, possible romantic interest, but nothing major, and it might have been nothing more than a trick. 

And of course, Mike hasn't called, but I don't really care. 

I took myself on a date last night, got dressed up, went out to a movie and had a really good time just being by myself. 

It was the first time that I've done that in ages. I've stayed in by myself many times, but it felt good to just go out and have fun without being dependent on anyone but myself for once. I left the movie theater with a genuine smile on my face and I felt a change that I was sure would last for a long time. 

It lasted until midnight, which is pretty standard for your everyday fairytale. Everything wears off at the stroke of twelve, but still, I will have my happy ending. 

I told some friends today that I am my own Prince Charming, they didn't believe it. They are these jaded cynics, even more jaded than me, who are convinced that love is a lie and that it is unwise to just believe in love the way that I do. They know that love exists, but they don't really want to find it. I find it sad when I turn out to be the optimist of a group, but I guess everyone has their own beliefs. I think I might cool it with all of this socialization though. I like the people, but maybe a few days apart would be good for us. Sometimes I feel like I'm being drowned out from having to keep up the show of "JC" as opposed to just being Jonathan. But then, the problem becomes, who is Jonathan? 

This is just another identity crisis that I will have to figure out. 

Am I really this spacey, horny, ditz or am I something more. Everyone can see that I am capable, but being capable and succeeding are two totally different things. I guess the idea is that there is a difference between being a character and playing a part. And while I am, in no way, trying to play a part, sometimes it just happens. 

I think that I've changed a lot since I was a Freshmen, I've matured, I'm not so wildly idealistic, and I've also refined my writing-voice. If only the rest of me could catch up, then everything would be just peachy. 

Sometimes you just have to wait and see how things will progress.