This is more of a followup post than anything else. Things have gotten better as Pride (for us) is ending. I get to go "home" tomorrow and rejoin my "stressful" life. I fully understand that there is nothing in my life that is really a big source of pain or stress, and I understand that some people would kill to be in my position and have my oppurtunities, but sometimes, things just seem to magnify and make you forget how small and insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things.
Tonight, after watching one truely classless performance that both involved (a) some horsehung gent, and (b) whipped cream, (c) chocolate syrup, (d) self sucking and deep throating. -- I realized that I didn't want to be just like everyone else. I don't want to be some random whore, I don't want to be some brash abrassive queen. I just want to be me. I just want to really be true to myself and from what I hear, sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.
Recently, I have come to the conclusion that I should search for a lover, and while this seems like a step back, I think that is a step forward in a round about sort of way. I think that it will allow me to work on my confidence and social skills. Most of the time I find myself in a situation with someone who I find overwhelmingly attractive and I just tell the the truth up front: I find them sexually attractive, I'm not attractive, but that's not going to stop me from admiring them (from afar or otherwise). This is usually done in (a) a comical matter, or (b) a drunken stupor. -- The word stupor is a bit strong, but you get the point. I'm either trying too hard to be funny or I'm a touch impaired and it is just written off as "oh that crazy drunk" kind of comment.
-- Speaking of which, the other day I drunk dialed Jordan and left him a slightly incoherent voicemail, he called back the next day/left me a text saying that he couldn't understand a thing that I said.
But all that I had said was that we can be friends in the fall (or whatever) but that wanting to get to know him better as a person, and wanting to spend one day with him just chatting (or whatever) is not equivelant to stalking/smothering. And that it really did bother me that he said that.
--Side note, I don't think that I smothered him, I think that I was slightly enthusiastic after our meeting and possibly portrayed some "intense" (for him atleast) signs. I guess some guys don't like talking/texting once a day/every other day. Sorry for smothering you with my "crazy" aka kindness. (Whatever)
Most of my days are spent wonderingwhy I am so unattracitve, just sitting patiently on the outside looking in--okay, so "most days" is an exaggeration. But still, you get the point. Sometimes I just get to thinking about what makes me so "wierd" or "unattractive" or whatever it is that drives people away. I think the main issue is my fat. And I don't/try not to give two damns. I mean, honestly, if the physical is all that you're looking for, buy a lovedoll and get on with your life. You're obviously not looking for a (soul)mate or someone to love you, you're basically just looking for a glorified sex toy.
I think that it is perfectly ridiculous that people judge people purely based on physical appearance. And even though I do this (in jest most of the time, because for some reason I find HIGH irony in the fact that I could call anyone fat/unfortunate and I feel you should to) I don't ever talk to anyone that I "judge" so it makes it kind of pointless. But I suppose that I really should work on how judgemental I am. It is kind of horrible to just write someone off because they seem out of sorts. There's a whole story out there that needs discovering.
Anyway, it just feels really hard to meet someone when you (a) disarm them with the truth and (b) know the "truth" and are therefore defeated before you began. Other than exercise(and in a word, conform to the world's idea of beauty, health, etc) I don't really know what I could do. Life is too short to waste on wishing you were someone else.
Seriously.
Posted by: zhy | 08/28/2010 at 06:35 PM