Nospoonwriter's blog

Packing Up Shop [MOVED] http://nospoonwriter.tumblr.com

Hey everyone, I've decided, after much (ok, not so much) thought to close down my blog on VOX

I've moved to another TUMBLR blog. 

http://nospoonwriter.tumblr.com

I decided to move because of many things, because I knew that I wanted to start a new blog. I also knew that I didn't feel right about starting a new story while trying to continue this one. So I've decided to consolidate, I'm going to continue telling this story, in a different way, with a different focus. A softer edge, with less of the "bing bang boom" 

So I hope that you will follow me on this journey as well. Thank you to all of you who have been loyal to me, I hope you will continue to do so. 

Another Another!

So I am incapable of sleep right now and I don't know why. I guess I had a really good nap earlier so its totally out of my system. I spent Wednesday totally and completely relaxed, not worried about a single thing, just kind of sat back and watched movies all day. It was one of those days that you hope for every once in a while. 

Summer school starts up next week, and I shall not be in attendance for the first time in three years of college. I am actually taking a real summer vacation instead of cramming in various and sundry courses to keep a scholarship or some other nonsense. I don't know though, I might cave and go to school in July if things get too amazingly uninteresting. 

I think that I've finally realized how ridiculous it is to focus on sex. Some people have it, some people don't. I guess that works in all occasions. I've been so focused on a relationship for most of my life, its something that I've always wanted and have never had. I guess I'm a late bloomer but it just really makes me seem desperate when I cling to romantic notions of meeting the right guy and falling in love. I'm not some voracious horn-dog, but I am emotionally needy. (We all are to a certain point.) I just need that experience, that feeling of finally being home in the arms of another. Luckily, I know where the lines are, I know that I don't want to be one of those queens that I always ridicule who just absolutely *need* a man. I know that I don't need one, I just want one badly, but I know better than to run up and down the street asking for one like a child begging for a puppy. I think that I am just in a place where I need something that I can't give myself. And no amount of positive self-talk or random hookups is going to change that. Who knows, maybe I just need someone to use me again, sometimes that makes me feel whole and real for a couple of weeks. I know, that's moderately pathetic, but sometimes you just have to go to those low places. 

Summer Lovin'

Long story short is that I haven't had sex yet, but I've been trying  my but off. The only problem is that I'm not really into skeezy online guys who seem to be more interested in what you look like than what you say. But for some reason or another I an play the part very well. I make myself talk like them and act like them and apart of me hates myself for it because I know that it is not the real me. It is the superficial mask I wear,It is what keeps me from being isolated, its the paint that I smear on my naked body to try and blend in. It is a little sad, bu tat the same time, it is fitting. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Be myself? Actually wait to find the right guy? That's too much work. It is too much work to just stay the course and busy myself with some other thought than of falling in love or being in the embrace of passion and sex. It is too much work not to be this needy, not to want something. All of that self control is beyond me, and I know that. And I know how truly sad this sounds, but you know, sometimes you  just have to be brutally honest with yourself. I don't like being alone, I don't like being without people, I don't like feeling disconnected. I haven't had many sexual experiences, My self esteem has been hacked down by those around me to the point where it seems that I have developed a fear that they might be right. If they were right about me being gay, could they be right about me being alone for the rest of my life? About no one ever loving me? High school is the worst thing to happen to human beings. Its really a horrible experience and  I don't think anyone should have to go through it. Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is that I am screwed up internally over what people have told me. I always do this, obsess, fail to deal with these issues, etc. I know that at some point I have to grow up, move on and deal with my life, but at the same time, it feels like some kind of impossibility. We will just have to see what happens, in my love life and in my actual life as well. 

Speaking of which, I went job hunting the other day, but it didn't really yield any results. I hate this whole "summer job" thing. It is the most annoying idea in the world. 

Slutty Summer

So I've rejoined the world of internet whoredom. I can't believe I'm on the hookup sites like everyone else. But keeping it classy didn't do anything for me. And actually I've stirred a lot of interest. Which is kind of interesting for me. But I don't think anything is going to happen-- I'm not that kind of girl . . . yet.

I've been talking to this one guy who I thought might turn into something, but he was just being nice. AKA being a tease. Grr, I think that at least we could be friends, which is something that I desperately need this summer. I'm going to be staying home for the first time, ever! I hope anyway, I have 8 days before summer school starts and if I want to go back and change my mind I only have a limited window to do so. 

I'm starting to think that basic social interactions are beneath me. Sometimes I feel like I can't function within society because I'm so . . . awkward. But its not really awkward as much as it is honest. I don't like to play games or waste time. I usually like to get straight to the point and put everything on the table. But ofcourse, some people don't like that. I wonder how many people I have turned off by putting it all out there. I mean, its one thing to like Samantha Jones from Sex and the City, and another to model yourself after her. Of course, I'm nothing like Samantha. I'm a Miranda / Charlotte hybrid. I'm sarcastic and cynical, but I'm also holding out for true love. Its a hard wait, and I think that I'm about to give in. But random hookups aren't my style. . . But that has *obviously* been changing. 

Grr, sometimes I wish I was just able to find a person, THE person, and just click with them and fall in love. I'm tired of swimming through the filth infested waters of gay culture. Sometimes I just want things to just be easy. But I understand that things are never easy. 

In other news, I've been job hunting like no other. But I haven't gotten any call backs yet, maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't know, but I guess if I don't hear anything back by next week I could go ahead and go to summer school . . . no, I refuse to do a crash course in getting out of Malvern. I have a 2.8 GPA this semester, almost a 3. If I had done a little better in Brit Lit, then I would have gotten a 3.0! I know that sitting around saying "If I had . . . " is ultimately a waste of time. But still, I'm happy with the fact that I am making decent grades. Even if they aren't up to where they should be, because they could have been a lot worse, and probably should have been. But that's my pilgrim-nature. 

I'm such a settler. 

I'm still batting around the blog idea, but as per usual, I have done nothing towards creating it. 

Stream vs. Story

I want to be a writer. A writer of poetry. 

But there isn't much of a market for poetry. And I've been thinking of starting a new blog for a while. I think that this is the time to do it--during the summer.I'm thinking of working on my writing style, the way that I write this blog is very stream of consciousness, very Faulkner. But I think I want to write a blog where I tell more of a story as opposed to explore my feelings. I would still maintain this one. I don't know if I'm being clear right now, but the thinking is that I would keep this one and get my feelings out. Then start a new one where I describe my day poetically / creatively. I focus less on myself and more on what happened though external eyes. It would be a great experiment. 

Tomorrow is my birthday, I'm not really that excited, it seems that no one else is either. I guess I will become an adult tomorrow. This is shocking. But I've been trying to grow up lately. I've sent in four applications to different places. I applied to the sex shop, and I don't know if I would accept the job if they offered it. I hope that I would, a job is a job. I applied to be a dog shampooer, and a book seller and a  pizza server. Hopefully I will get a call back from someone. I don't want to waste my days inside of the house. If worse comes to worse, I will probably end up working at Magic Springs, they'll hire anyone. I only need this job for 3 months, so longevity isn't that important to me.

I'll just have to see what happens. As per usual. 

*By the way, most of my grades are in, and so far, so good. So no summer school for me. Yay! 

Quickie

So, there have been some new developments. I'm not really at liberty to say.

But, I hooked up with that guy again. Things went far. I'm moderately happy and moderately surprised. 

C'est La VLOG

C'est La Vie Already 

Conundrum

So today is the day that I hit a new low and sent out two e-mails to some previous hookup or near hookup partners and basically said "Please fuck me." Only not. 

I sent the e-mails, one saying "Hey, we hooked up a couple of weeks ago, what's up?" and the other one, to the guy that I almost had sex with. This e-mail is where I dipped into the realm of "This is just plain sad." I told the guy that I was sorry for flaking and that I liked him, complimented his artwork and told him that I had texted him a couple of times and gotten no reply and that it was giving me a "go away" vibe from it. Also that I tried to add him on facebook. At any rate, he e-mailed me back a couple of hours later, said he gets crappy service in his house and doesn't get a lot of text messages that are sent to him. And that he had a weekend coming up (the weekend that I will be back in town no less) if I still wanted to hook up.

Well, now I'm floored. At first I though that it was just some kind of sad hook-up failure and that he saw my crazy and decided that he didn't want any. But now I realize that he was still in the game and if I want to go, he is ready to go as well. Now I"m just faced with the same problem that I had a couple of weeks ago when it comes to me and sex with a stranger. I could easily do this and possibly open the door for a summer romance, or I could not do this and save myself for Mr. Right. Either way, I have a decision to make. 

In other news, I spent almost four hours tonight submerged in poetry. I was watching it on youtube, reading it on Deviantart. I was trying to find some kind of inspiration. I'm looking for a new style to write in. I'm looking for something fresh and different. I think maybe if I switch up my style, I could do something marvelous. I hope I haven't reached my peak. That would just be sad. 

Also, I'm thinking of working in a sex-store this summer. If I can't bar-tend or bounce, then I might as well peddle sexual-goods. The only problem is that I worry about what my parents would think. While I have no problem being open about sex and being sex-positive, I feel that my parents do not. My mother is a moderate at best, since her attitude toward the gays is on the conservative side. And I really don't care how liberal my father claims to be, there is no way that a preacher wants his son working at a sex-shop. I think that maybe I'm just doing it for shock value, but I also think that as far as jobs go, it couldn't be that bad. It would be interesting to say the least, and I guess that's what I really want to do--something interesting. Something that isn't flipping burgers or standing by an amusement park ride. I want to do something that will give me some kind of world-experience. I mentioned to my father what he had said about our Boston-vacation, and ofcourse, he had forgotten. Sometimes I really do worry about him, but I think that it is just a side effect of old age. Sometimes you just start to lose the less important details of your life. Heck, I do that now, so maybe I should just stick to worrying about myself. 

I have this kind of preoccupation with death that is kind of unhealthy. It is the great unknown, I mean, really, what is next? What can we expect? If I am really going to be denied access into some kind of happy afterlife because I have a fondness for penis, is that really fair? These are the questions. But I think that this classic preoccupation is a bad omen. Usually when a writer has such a thing, they meet their end. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into that. But it has happened to more than one great poet / novelist. They are obsessed with death and then they find it lurking around the corner--cut down in the prime of life. Maybe that's why I'm trying to get all of my experiences in. Maybe I have some kind of guilt for the relationship that I share with my parents. My father is always saying "Honor thy father and mother so that thy days may be long int he land the Lord, thy God giveth you." 

So I always figure that since I haven't honored them, according to my mother / father's standards, then I am destined to die soon. My days shall not be long because I have not been an obedient child. I don't think I was really meant to be anyone's child. I'm far too contradictory. I'm independent, yet frightfully co-dependent. I can barely do anything for myself and yet it is what I crave most in life, to be left to my own devices. Not to worry about what my mother, father, aunt, or whoever has to say about anything. I am not looking for some kind of moral scape-goat, I'm just looking to be free. Anyway, the point is that I suppose that since I know that I am not honoring them, in the traditional sense, then I know that I shall not live long. 

Back when I was considering suicide, I told myself that I would just have to deal with any consequence that came later.I would have to deal with going to hell because I couldn't survive any more. I told myself a lot of things, I believed that I was strong enough to deal with it. But now, now that I've actually overcome that hurdle, faced that fear, I find myself more afraid than ever. I am unable to live my life because of, I don't even know. I don't know why I am unable to make choices. I guess it has something to do with not wanting to waste the life that I saved. I guess I just don't want to end up in the side streets or something. I don't want to end up ruined because of some personal choice that I made in an act of selfishness. I am afraid to live my life because I am afraid of ruining my life. It is like the apple that is never plucked from the tree. You don't want to ruin the beauty of it on the tree, but if you don't take it down and savor it, it will simply rot. And that is the best metaphor that I have come up with as of late. And it actually makes a lot of sense when applied to my actual life. I can't leave the apple on the tree because I'm afraid of ruining it. If I do then I will never enjoy it and it will just whither and die. My life will come to nothing and all my potential will be wasted. I have the pluck the apple and seize life by the neck and make it my own. 

So does this mean that I should have sex with a near-stranger? Is that seizing life by the neck and owning my sexuality? Or is it just reckless behavior? Over pruning the tree and making a mess? There are no answers. I owe it to myself to be happy and I owe it to myself to find the one. Does it mean that it is this guy? Probably not, but does that mean that I shouldn't give him a chance anyway? I guess the question is: What am I waiting for? Marriage? True love? That and a dollar will get me a cup of coffee at McDonald's. I guess I will just have to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap. Won't I? 

Friendly / Slutty

So lately I've been in this weird place. I've been on the precipice of my future, and looking at my past simultaneously. I've been ready to dive into the unknown and yet scared of what that could mean as well. I don't know what my future holds. I know that I talk about this a lot but it is kind of a big deal. For a little bit in the past couple of weeks I thought I would be able to graduate early, but the truth is that I will be graduating on-time in May 2011. I will be ending my college career in less than a year and I don't know my next step. Grad school is always an option but I don't know if I am ready to go through another four year period of school. And then the question is, what happens after grad school? What if I can't get a job with an MFA in creative writing, or poetry? Then what? Should I try and get into a PhD program? How responsible is that? I will be owing tens of thousands of dollars on this gamble of education so that I can make this giant next step, but the truth is, the next step is so unknown that there is no point to it. I suppose if I were to get a PhD, I could then go ahead and start teaching at some college somewhere. And I suppose that will always be an option for me, I will always be able to teach something somewhere. But that isn't really the life that I want to live. Not now, not ever. Or at least that is how I feel at the age of 20. I guess I haven't gotten all of my adventures out of the way. I haven't really experienced anything. I haven't felt life yet, and thus, I'm not ready to settle down. Maybe I should focus on having adventures first, then worry about the rest later. 

At any rate, the rest of my life is moving along swimmingly. 

I sent a text to that guy I almost hooked up with last week. He didn't reply, and for some reason I can't let it go. I think because in my mind, he is my backup plan. If anything doesn't happen between now and summer break, I'm going to hook up with him. Hopefully regularly. This is all based on the contingency that he will be willing to sleep with me. I think I scared him off. I sometimes give off the psycho killer vibe on accident. I think a part of me is scared to leave college a virgin. I know that this is a stupid fear, but its just how I feel. I guess I am afraid that if I don't give it away then no one is going to take it. If I don't capitalize on it now, then I will never have it. I am afraid that I will end up desperate and alone, wishing I had done something about it sooner.

So apparently, the boundary issues that I never established as a child are coming back to haunt me. I need to learn this lesson: When we are intoxicated together, we are not jolly-good friends. I am just more likely to touch you. I have gotten better at establishing boundaries. I think the problem is that I have been denied the connection with other people so much that I just kind of look over what they want and try to get what I want--touch, connection, friendship. I don't know. There is a lot of psychology behind it, and it is probably sounding really creepy, but in the end, when I feel comfortable with someone, I'm not afraid to touch them, but my problem is that I feel comfortable too early. But then again, I am relying on my intuition. If I get good vibes off of a person, and am thus attracted to them in a platonic kind of way. Then I don't feel bad about hugging or touching them (non-sexual). But apparently it comes off in a very weird way and then I am left feeling awkward because, once again, Jonathan has overstepped his boundaries and made someone feel uncomfortable. So then I am apologizing over and over again because it wasn't my intention to make them feel weird. Friday, I found myself explaining that various touches were "Friendly" not "Slutty". Maybe I should just learn to keep my hands to myself, even under the most 

sanguine 

sanguine of circumstances. 

School is coming to a close and I have a few projects on the back burner about to boil over. I guess I need to get a handle on things. I guess I need to stop talking about them and actually do them. I don't think I will be doing summer school this year. This is new and exciting for me. I might be doing the classes online. Or, if push comes to shove, I could come back to SAU and just go to school as usual. I just really don't feel like that is the best option for me. Online classes will be easier and will leave me more free time. I might even be able to get a job. But that is so far in the future I don't want to jinx it. 

S-E-X, no more secrets . . .

So for the past week I've been freaking out about having sex. Like real sex, the whole she-bang. And I was kind of supposed to do it today with this guy (via craigslist, not classy) but I cancelled the other day. Then, in a whirlwind decision of restlessness this morning at 4am, I drove to Malvern and I've been e-mailing / texting the guy, but its still not going to happen, today at least. 

I feel like I'm trying to hard, like I'm super-imposing feelings onto this would-be hook-up. I know that deep down, I still want to be Sadie. And there is nothing (and no one) I can do that will change that. I'm not a loose whore, I have a need to be with someone in a way that actually means something. 

So in the mean time, I'm just kind of hanging out at my father's house for the weekend. I will probably go back to school either tomorrow evening or tomorrow morning, depending on my mood. Driving at night is kind of fun, but I'm not really in the mood to leave just yet. We'll see what happens.